Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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