if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
