this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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