I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
