I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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