I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
