so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
