This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
