Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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