really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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