Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
