I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
