dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
