is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
my liver is dry heaving
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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