Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
