Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
