Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
