are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
