good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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