I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
