Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
