Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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