Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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