I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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