My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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