Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
