Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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