The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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