can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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