dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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