This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
