She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
