You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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