Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
