I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
