Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
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the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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