Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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