my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
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Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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