Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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