I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
