I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
