He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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