Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
