i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
