I'm gonna have a badass scar
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
