Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
