This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
