My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
