Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
