What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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