Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
