How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We smell like vodka and hangover
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