Me too!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
