My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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