Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
