i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
