Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
