dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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